Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Seeking Nirvana

So, there’s some stuff that I need to get off my chest and face before the soul mate visits…

In the winter of 2000, while visiting my family at Christmas, I visited Fisher in College Town, USA. When I got to his apartment he had a rose for me. He was outwardly in love with me.

I freaked out. At least on the inside. Any feelings, love/hate, went away. I felt nothing. We talked and I couldn’t get nearer than five feet to him. I was numb. Finally getting what I always wanted, being the object of his affection and I couldn’t return the favor.

We hung out, talked, listened to music. I think I may have even spent the night there. As you could assume, nothing happened. Somehow he ended up driving me to the airport when I left to return to grad school. I asked him to visit me in the desert. I wanted him to show me that he loved me. Fisher drove three days to the desert. When he got there and I couldn’t kiss him. In bed I rolled away from him.

He never kissed me and I wish he would have. Maybe it would have broken the spell.

I’m freaked out that I’ll do that again.  Somehow I have to get my mind right. Usually that involves visualization. Used to be that I would always picture myself in the future. In my mind's eye I would already be gone, but still physically sitting in a chair.

I’ve learned to use it as a tool. Off to do something unfamiliar- like moving in with my sister. I pictured myself living in her house. Soon after picturing myself there in my minds eye it became a concrete memory.

I had a crazy dream last night. How is that in your dreams the id and ego exist separately? Or is that conscious vs subconscious? Anyway there was a person in my dream that I connected with on a very deep level. The connection felt real. I’m always amazed at the realness of dreams. Crying in dreams and waking up crying. The physical manifestation of dreams.

Some might say that I over think my life. The Buddha did a lot of thinking and look where that got him- Nirvana. I’d like a piece of that.

A nice inner calm. No matter what, everything will be ok.

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