Saturday, July 2, 2011

All the money in the world

Not sure why I’m here. Here at 1am and here in this world. Took my dog, S*, to the vet the other day for a routine, rabies shot visit. Blood work shows elevated liver enzyme. She’s on antibiotics for two weeks. People and animals keep dying, so her having an infection freaks me out a bit. She’s my girl, my best friend. Sleeps at the foot of my bed, wakes up happy, goes to sleep happy.

My mom called me this evening. Her world is becoming more chaotic and I have no means to help her. We’ll just have to wait until she’s at the bottom and wants help.

Won 3/5 scrabble games with L* and K*. That never happens. For the past 35 years, I have never won at a board game against L*. She’s very competitive. It’s all in good fun, but she’s like, “what the hell?” And I’m like, fuck I don’t know, I just did what you guys did to win.

Haven’t heard from Fisher in about a month. Up until this Sunday I understood. Back to back shows, burnt out… The dates I gave him will be here very soon. Would be nice to have a firm yay or nay. But that’s what killed all of this before. I was never a priority. Well maybe when we first started dating.

I’d like to be some one’s priority when making plans. To have enough worth to someone that I’m taken into consideration when plans are made. That would be nice.

Saw Cirque’s Ova this evening. Made me miss lighting design. Something about theatre lighting, the texture that’s like a watercolor on heavy textured canvas. Like a plush pillow you want to spend a Sunday on. Awkward sentence. Maybe you know what I mean.

I wish the depression hadn’t sucked me down to having no ambition. I have/had the talent. I couldn’t clear the fog.

I would hate to think that he’s decided that it would be better that he didn’t come up and just isn’t telling me that. Or that there was line I crossed- like sending him a mix cd.

Christ on a f*cking cracker.

Need to sleep so that tomorrow I’m productive with doing homework.

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