Life in Percentages

1:27 am. Woken by the urge to pee, a slight annoying headache and waking up to some stomach pain. I've had the headache since around 6:30p. Caused I'm assumed by air pressure changes and the storm I was approaching as I drove from Fisher's back to my home base.


At the start of the trip I took half an adderall (7.5 mg) and I as a traveled on my head began to hurt. My neck was pretty sore too. That's what happens when you had 2 herniated discs in your neck and don't go to physical therapy for as long as you should. So, I took the one hydrocodone that I had with me. Unfortunately, that made me feel sleepy and driving at night through some light rain with the window wipers was hypnotic. Took a whole adderall hoping that would wake me up, but I wasn't feeling it. So, what's the next logical thing to do? Take one more.


Normally, I take a half. Any more and my heart races and I feel like I've drank 5 cups off coffee. Adderall helps me concentrate; excessive adderall turns me into a hamster in a wheel. Lots of moving, absolutely nothing accomplished.


Made it home in good time, took a clonopin and all things considered fell asleep pretty quickly.


Cut to 4 hours later and I have stomach pains from the hydrocodone. Really, I should never take one of those ever again. Here's the deal- because I have no gall bladder, the bile that enters my digestive track isn't "normal." So, when I lay down, the abnormal bile backs up into my stomach and if I take a hydrocodone and lay down before my body has fully digested it, it mixes with the no gall bladder bile and causes some severe stomach discomfort.


So, I'm awake and sort of sitting up, eating some yogurt hoping that soon I'll be able to fall asleep like my brain and body really want to do. My dog is laying next to me with her back against my leg, so that's really only the point in favor of being awake 6 hours before I have to be up to go to work.


The visit with Fisher was pretty darn awesome, but also very short. Drove down yesterday at 11am, got there at 3p and drove back to day at 6pm.


I love that he'll listen to what's going on in my life and is sincerely interested. Sure, as soon as I get to his apartment we could head straight to the bedroom, but our attraction to each other is 50% mental, 50% sexual. Having know each other for so long and knowing each so well, we have some pretty great conversations. But the one thing that I value above all is that I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not and I am absolutely 100% myself around him.


Getting sleepy, eyes closing, sleep tugging at my elbow.


Hoping headache over my left eye goes away.


I'm doing my best to appreciate the time I spend with him. Appreciate knowing that he misses me when I'm not there and our plan to finally intertwine our lives into one. Although it remains to be seen if he's just humoring me about having a goat, dog and cat that are all friends. I see them being buddies on an enclosed back porch and the dog and goat playing in the back yard. The dog and cat will cuddle together at the foot of the bed. Or more likely they'll take up 75% of the bed, while Fisher and I eek out a small portion for us.


And he's coming up here next weekend. Wednesday is my birthday, so L* will make my cake and we'll all go out to dinner. Fisher asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said that being able to be with him two weekends in a row was pretty awesome. Years past I've gone to the zoo or an independent petting zoo for my birthday, but I think the city zoo has taken the goats inside now that it's getting cold. Maybe we'll just stay in bed with S* lying at the foot of the bed.


Anyway, I finally told him that what I wanted for my birthday was for him to begin thinking about what he wants to do when we move somewhere together and where that somewhere might be. I've only got 6 weeks left of this semester and then spring semester and then graduation. Time doesn't stop, nor slow down and it'll be May before we know it. May does mean warmer weather and that I'm looking forward to.


For next time- how we spent the weekend and the crazy lake hike we did.

(In Spite of)/(Despite) the Fact

Just got off the phone with Fisher. Talked about my mom and other issues that I've been dealing with. Not knowing when I'll see him next, knowing that the phone will end. Makes me teary-eyed. It's beyond words how I feel about having him in my life. Not knowing when I'll next hear from him, see him, finally share a home with him-- well that sucks.

And I have to make sure I'm not coming off as too needy because he can't up and move to be with me. There has to be a plan in place and right now he doesn't have time or all the pieces to be able to start thinking about the plan. He's terribly stressed because of his job and missing me adds to his depression.

Also, see that ad over there. I'd appreciate it if you clicked it so I could save some money to visit a very dear friend of mine. Every now and again you need the princess treatment- that's what I get when I go there and be the store cat.

Friendship. Acceptance. Love.

Scratching Backs, Helping Out

I've added added ads to my blog. Let me know what you guys think. For me to make any money (say for visiting my awesome friends in warm, far away lands), I need you to click on the ad links. Just viewing my blog, I believe, doesn't do anything.

I'd really appreciate a few clicks here and there. And if you have a blog with ads let me know your blog address in the comments and I'll do the same for you.

Look- that 204 score- that mine! Probably the first time I have gotten over 200 pts in Scrabble.

A Diatribe Like Any Other

I hate having to type this because then I have to look at my worry and wonder if I'm over-worrying. Is it a pointless worry or valid? Should I wait to worry until later like when we live together? Or should I anticipate so that I'm aware and in the moment.

Last relationship, last boyfriend- I/the "relationship" was not his priority. If it was, it ranked below himself, his friends, recreational/activity stuff that he liked to do, shopping for said activities or weird hobbies and, trust me, the list went on.

Sure our work schedules were completely opposite, but it was nothing for him to leave me alone to go visit a friend that lived 4 hours away that with his schedule he could visit every other month. Maybe we would get two days off together a month, but if one of those days overlapped with a trip to his friend's- who was the priority. Not me.

So, now me and Fisher. Fisher is crazy busy and his boss is a workaholic and uses Fisher like a co-dependent wing-nut. That made no sense, but the point is that Fisher is mad busy and hates his job becuase of it. But he's always been mad busy trying to lift up the community theatre like freakin' Atlas. Fisher is human, he's been saying yes to every sad eyed community theatre yokel for the last 25 f'n years. My hope that now that he's on the other side of 45 he'll finally want to change gears and want to have a real, meaningful long-lasting live-together relationship.

If I moved back to College Town to be with him, I would never be above this damn community theatre wanna-be something. His boss has Fisher on a retractable leash. Think you're walking on you're own- nope, let me call you at 10pm at night to let you know that tomorrow at 10pm at night we're having a budget meeting. Who does that sh*t?

He has to move. He mentioned moving up here to Big City, Midwest. F*ck that. I hate it here. Inconsiderate drivers, cost of living, insanely high taxes. I'd rather live beneath or in the hills of a conservative state that may produce less than average high school graduates at a lower than average rate compared to the percentage of graduates in other states. What? Go with it or really just keep reading...

I am a split down the middle Southerner/Yankee. 50/50.

Although, I really prefer areas where the Mason/Dixon line isn't even an issue.

F*ck, I know he's busy, but I could use a boost. Sick all this week. Place to myself makes me miss having my own place to myself. Or at least a place with someone with whom I'm also dating. Can't have roommates.

Is it selfish of me that right now I want to come first. Not all the time, but now after I've had a down trodden weak of ick. He'll call and he'll apologize for being so busy, how he hates his job, misses me. And some how I need to find a way to sooth my impatient soul, need satisfaction now, have no money to do that by buying something on-line. Look! New! Shiny! Distraction! I've already caught up on the little tv I enjoy and watched a 2nd ep of a show I want to like, but is about rich white married people who really have nothing to complain about, but yet are still complaining.

Arg.

My fear is that all this good, peaceful-making feeling is going to drop to the bottom and take me with it. When it comes to emotions, I run luke-warm, with an edge of slightly cold. On my meds, I'm happy. And when I'm really down it's hard to put into action taking my meds even knowing that they will make me feel better.

When I'm low energy and curled up in bed, that last thing I want is to take something that will give me energy to get out of bed. Because before the meds, cuddled up in bed was my only way to feel safe and keep the anxiety at bay.

Cuddled up in bed, the world could be experiencing the apocolypse adn I wouldn't care. In bed, feeling safe, bad stuff, stuff I'm ignoring does not exist.

Today I had a wonderful moment, where my present self reached out to my past self. Mending fences, reaching back 15 years of self and trying to tell my 19 year old self that it did get better, that we will get better. I hope that's what I say to my 36 year old self in another 15 years.

And today I am thankful for the man that Fisher has become. He's pretty darn amazing.

It's a Small World

A shout out to my readers in Germany and Russia. I'd love for you to comment. How did you find me? Where are you in those countries?

Edit to add: People of the US! Thank you. But seriuosly, you're just not as interesting as being read by someone(s) in Germany and Russia. If you're in the States, same questions apply. Go for it-

Cathartic

Here at Fisher's computer. So nice to be in a normal relationship. For example, the ex always kept his computer on lock down. Password protected, logged off if he was away from it for 2 seconds. Unlike how it was this morning with Fisher and he gave no thought to giving me his password so I could go on-line. Dear me, that last one was messed up.

Nice fall day. Brought S* along with me. Fisher is working today from 9a til 7p, so S* and I went for a walk on campus. Perfect fall day. Long sleeves, scarf, sunshine, slight breeze. She had a great time sniffing and peeing on everything. We went on quite the trek from the union, to opera house, to the fountain, to my old dorm, to where Fisher lived when we dated.

Back in the day mid 90s here on campus I was crazy. Walking around today visiting the old haunts was very cathartic. Making peace with the past. Putting out good energy where once there was bad, very bad. Took pictures of S* in some iconic locations. Maybe if the weather is nice again tomorrow, we'll head back out. The dog is sacked out from the day.

We talked about being on the same page of working towards moving somewhere together. Felt good to here him say that. Lacking a whole lot of stability in my life, so knowing that we're working together towards a goal is comforting.

After he left this morning I went back to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up I was feeling down because come Monday morning I head home and I won't know when I'll see him again. Showered, ate, took meds and got out of the house. His apartment is pretty depressing, so that didn't help. He's never home, so the state of its being doesn't really matter. It all feels very temporary, which is good for us, but bad a place to hang out if you're feeling down.

Fisher is so great with S* and understanding. He appreciates how much she mean to me. And maybe we'll agree to add another dog or a goat. L* and I went to an alpaca farm last weekend. They are cute are very soft, but I want a goat. Guess you sort of have to have more than one for company or a dog that's grown up with the goat so that they are best friends. That would be cool.

Fisher mentioned that it maybe as soon as December that he wants to get out of here, the college town. He's been here since 1983 and his current job is killing him. No days off, large amounts of responsibilities that fall on his shoulders, working 18 hour days. When he gets depressed he retreats inward and doesn't want to talk or be around anybody. I think, though, that our relationship is strong enough that he won't push me away. It does seem like our goal of moving somewhere together will happen.

On other fronts, school is school, need to dig in more with one class that I'm moderately blowing off. Work is ok. New skills, more job opportunities.

Today was about making peace with me own worst enemy- my past actions.

Accentuate the positive.

There will be times when life sucks. As in the pain you feel will feel endless. All you will want is to go back and make it right. Spend more time, don't hurt, make it right, listen, be in the moment. Regret. You will have thoughts of regret whether or not you've ever told yourself that you have no regrets. When someone you love dies or you realized the life lesson after the barn door is shut and the horse is no where to be found.

Moment by moment, day by day you deal with the pain and do your best to distract yourself from the pain. Pain, hurt, regret will consume you. In an instant. You  have to fight back. In your weakest moment you have to fight back. Don't do it alone- call a friend, see a therapist. But dear god, don't expect the person that you just hurt, don't ask him or her to make it better. Only you can reach inside yourself and start the journey to better.

I'm doing ok. And the rant above is only slightly referential and then from only a third party point of view.

Try, do your best, not to have regrets because if you live to old age, I'm talking late 80s and 90s, all you will have is the past. Have happy times on which to reflect. Dependent on someone to take care of you- fix your meals, get you out of the house, take you to the bathroom- you don't want to have regret sneaking up on you. Your life will suck enough.

This is my only life. I will do my best to appreciate each moment I have. My amazing sisters, the amazingness of finding love with someone who dealt with me at my worst. I pined for 16 years. I should have lived my life for 16 years. I could have not pined, not cried over lost love and still have reconnected with Fisher. We're not back together because I shitted away great moments of my life because I was obsessed with him.

Appreciate all the good- in yourself and others. Do your best to be a better person. To have pure love for another. Plan for the future, but don't write it in blood. Write it in pencil or have some white-out handy.

The Beauty of the Color in My Life.

First off, the store cat has to apologize to the storeowner for forgetting to get in touch. Carried away with bike riding with my sister and picking up produce at a farmer’s market.

This thing between Fisher and I- it’s real. And I’ll do my best to take it one day at a time and never take a phone call, text or anything for granite. Sixteen years of my crazies and him having a hard time with my crazies (understandably) and me moving several times from one end of the country to the other.

I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now, but I am so looking forward to having my own place again. And hopefully one day (sooner rather than later) that place will also be Fisher’s place. But all of those hopes and dreams have to stay in my heart.

More mature, perspective, healthier, medicated. Appreciative that we could still fall in love again after everything. And everything encompasses a lot of ugly stuff. We’ve accentuated the positive, eliminated the negative and not messing with the in between.

I’m bummed that we’re apart right now, but I am so happy that he’s back in my life. Sixteen years ago I fell in love with him. I knew he was my soul mate. Even when I felt nothing when he loved me, he was still my soul mate. Accepting, funny, intelligent.

One time in a place where I am the store cat, MC and I talked about what kind of guy I would need to be with to make me happy. Some one that would challenge me to be a better person, with as much education as me, and someone who saw my quirks as an asset.

Maybe I’ve found that person.

For now, I work, go to school, attempt to hold my shit together and be a good person.

My sister, D*, has decided to end contact with my mom. I don’t blame her and when I’m on my own again, I might do that as well. L* won’t let me do that now, living with her and having her paying for my education kinda makes me her bitch in dealing with our mom.

We’ll visit my mom this weekend. It will be a difficult trip because of my mom’s mental state and she’ll no doubt say bad things about D*. That will be my breaking point. Hopefully, I’ll only be at my mom’s for a day and then drive over to see Fisher.

So many places I’d like to be, places and people that I would like to bring together to have them surround me. Fisher, MC, San Simeon.
MC- you are always in my heart. How can I not think of you when I have so many wonderful reminders that I have the pleasure of seeing everyday? I’ll be back again. Being there feels like home.

A rabbits den.

ADD/ADHD, dyslexia and phonological learning disability.

Welcome to my world.

All that stuff above, I can deal with. I’ve been dealing with it for 35 years. Now I have a center at my disposal that is an advocate for me. It’s like Christmas.

What I can’t handle is the rabbit hole I’ve fallen down in regards to my mom.

I will not go into further detail. I will tell you that it’s all very bad. Our realities over-lap and intertwine for most of us. For others reality exists in another realm, with another set of values. Getting a person back into the “real” reality is a difficult and harrowing experience. I had to let my father go, let him pass. My mom, I’ve been trying to hold onto her and it’s destroying me and my sisters.