My fear is that all this good, peaceful-making feeling is going to drop to the bottom and take me with it. When it comes to emotions, I run luke-warm, with an edge of slightly cold. On my meds, I'm happy. And when I'm really down it's hard to put into action taking my meds even knowing that they will make me feel better.
When I'm low energy and curled up in bed, that last thing I want is to take something that will give me energy to get out of bed. Because before the meds, cuddled up in bed was my only way to feel safe and keep the anxiety at bay.
Cuddled up in bed, the world could be experiencing the apocolypse adn I wouldn't care. In bed, feeling safe, bad stuff, stuff I'm ignoring does not exist.
Today I had a wonderful moment, where my present self reached out to my past self. Mending fences, reaching back 15 years of self and trying to tell my 19 year old self that it did get better, that we will get better. I hope that's what I say to my 36 year old self in another 15 years.
And today I am thankful for the man that Fisher has become. He's pretty darn amazing.