Om Mani Padme Hum

Pre-Ps. Here's the deal my bank charges me $12 a month because I don't have direct deposit, please help me out and click on the ad. Thank you.

Truth- I am avoiding most of my emotions. This results in panic attacks and me missing one day of work and one class this week. Waking up, I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t get oxygen, by lungs don’t get air. I am suffocating. And the only thing that makes it better is staying in bed. Under the covers, hold up at base camp.

That’s the metaphor for my life right now. I’m at base camp and there’s this mountain I have to climb. No choice, have to climb mountain. Eventually, I’ll be hauled out against my will and a force will command me to march. I wonder if agreeing to climb, to march will make the journey up the mountain any easier. My choice versus no more time to procrastinate. Yes, it will be worse.

Deadlines will pass, late fees will be charged, and I won’t be prepared for challenges. Now I have time. Not as much time as I had a month ago, but I need to start now. Completing sh*t that needs to be done.

My therapist said that every person with ADHD should have a calendar that never leaves their sight. I’ve tried this. The only time it worked in a way was undergrad and I only used it for my theatre work. For schoolwork, I hoped and occasionally prayed that I wouldn’t forget anything.

Here’s the deal with the calendar, first few days are spent putting in all future stuff of which I’m currently aware.  Appointments that have been made, class schedules copied from the syllabus. Maybe within the first week I’ll put in an update. The first time that an event comes and goes that has not been but in the book, all bets are off. Pitch it in the trash, I will not get back on the horse.

Why can’t I recover?

Mental block? Perfection lost? Disappointment in myself that I can’t keep a calendar updated or pick up where I left off.

Lack of wanting to put in the effort. I don’t want to.

I didn’t want to take the speech class that is technically required, so I dropped it because technically I could. I couldn’t play by my rules, so I quit.

It’s not a matter of it being too hard, although that’s sort of why I dropped my Excel class. It is a matter I have no invested personal interest and therefore if I can get away with not doing it then I will.

This behavior caused a riff in my relationship. Instead of Fisher telling me outright that he wanted me to go see the musical he was, he gave me a choice. He asked if I wanted to go.

It was Annie, he had a supporting role, I was involved with theatre for 20 years, I hate sitting in one place for longer than it takes to eat dinner. If I have to watch a show, I’d like to be in the booth away from people and snacking on cookies or main-lining starbursts or better yet peanut m&m’s.

I didn’t go.

He was very disappointed that I did not want to go to the show to support him and show my support for the theatre company that has caused him to sweat blood.

I’m a little jealous of the theatre company he works for. It sucks up all of his time. We don’t get to talk on a regular basis and when we do, it’s when he 3 minutes between rehearsal and a 10 pm finance meeting.

And after graduation in May, I will move to College Town USA to be with him, to put our relationship first and hope to god that he does the same. I don’t want to move to C.T. USA. A month before graduation I was so happy that I would be leaving that state. Middle America is not for me, even bubble of liberalism that was Middle America University. And now I’m going back.

I can’t predict that he will spend less time as the Artistic Director’s whipping boy. And if he does then I’ll ramp up my search for an out of state job (preferably Austin.)

The stress that inhabits my body is my entire body. My shoulders never relax. Not even when I sleep. I’m incapable of taking deep breaths. Falling asleep takes medication. Waking up is a struggle and causes mental pain. I’m constantly subconsciously always stressing about possible and present occurrences that I no control over.

I used to hold onto the stress and anxiety because I thought that if I let it go, then I would float away. Not kidding. I would have nightmares about it. Gravity switched to off, my floating upwards, nothing to grab a hold of and the silo shaped room has a small window on top and I will float out into nothing. These were my nightmares.

The loss of dad and grandmothers, specifically my mom’s mom haunts me. That is now the subject of nightmares. Seeing my Grandma in my dream- “She’s back, she’s here, she’s not dead,” I shout! I turn to tell my family, but when I look back she’s not there, she never was there. I miss her so much and hope with all my heart, even though in my head I know it’s not true, that I will see her again. How can someone disappear from your life, never to be seen again? I have my memories, but they have less substance than fog. I should be comforted by the memories. But the really good ones are from age 7 and under. I don’t remember what her apartment looked like, the first one I remember. She made bread pudding, had two parakeets and we would walk down to the corner 5 and dime. Maybe the toilet had a pull chain or maybe it didn’t, and I’m frustrated that I don’t remember. The parakeets were hung by a window….

If you’ve gotten this far, then you know that I’m stressing about stuff that doesn’t need to be stressed about.

Facts:

My boyfriend (whom I pined over for 16 years) loves me and in a few short (4) months we will live together.

All things considered I have my health, I at least have a support system that would pay for my health if it got bad.

I have two wonderful awesome sisters that are there when I need them. Who will be beside me for the next catastrophe.

I have an amazing dog, who at the age of 11 and a ½ plays like a puppy.

One cat that loves to snuggle, gives nose kisses and will stand on his back legs to give me a hug when I ask.

Another cat that has been with me for the last 14 years making every empty apartment and new city feel like home.

A mom who shows me why it’s important for me to accept the fact that I need to take anti-depressants. I will be not be stigmatized or ignore my depression. My cat needs insulin to feel good, I need my medications.

Even after all that my shoulders are still up to my ears.

I ask of myself, to know the difference between those things that I can change and those that I can’t. For those that I can’t I will let them go and float out the window at the top of the silo. I will stay grounded with the help of my own volition and the love I receive.

Om Mani Padme Hum

An emotional touchstone

Feelings on the inside that need to put on the outside.

Making peace with my dad only to lose him to cancer. I wanted (needed) so much for him to live longer. Three weeks from the discovery of stage four small cell carcinoma to gone. I appreciate that we were given those three weeks to say sorry, to say I love you. However, I will never see my dad again and that pain is beyond words.

Damn the holidays for making apparent that my sisters and I have lost four grandparents and one parent. We’re down to a crazy Mom, whom I love dearly and do no want to lose.

To all my friends who I just recently introduced to this blog, feel no pressure to read it. It’s stuff in my head that needs to be written. I’d write it and put it into the Wailing Wall, but the Internet is more convenient.

There’s frustration growing with in me. Right now it’s manifesting in cleaning. Put shit in order. Organize pantry, drawer full of storage containers, tidy up my tiny bedroom space, work on my bathroom.

But here’s the crux, there’s other stuff that I need to be working on that’s being ignored. Finding an internship. Possibly finding another job to replace the one I have now. Graduating in five months. Time has flown by. I’ve now been in the City for almost seven months.

Some of you have wondered how I got from the east coast by the ocean to the Midwest city I’m in now.

How I got here….

In a car.

Long story shorter-

Dec 2007: Move in with boy. He’s neurotic and narcissistic, but I wanted to be able to return to school, so I ignore his neurosis.

Thought I was in love with him, thought he was in love with me.

Ok for the first few months.

Then I realized we were all wrong for each other.

Actually, I knew this even before we moved in together, but it afforded me the ability to quit my job and return to school.

August 2008: I return to school to study medical assisting. Looking for the complete 180 to what I had been doing.

September 2008: The boy starts acting really odd. Like little lies when lying wasn’t necessary.

October 2008, a few days before Halloween: I find out he had been sleeping with his best friend’s girl friend.

World: Shattered.

Moved my stuff to a friend’s house and stayed there for 3 weeks. Didn’t have the emotional energy to put my stuff in storage and pack up the car to drive north with a dog and three cats.

For many unhealthy reasons, I moved in with him. Went on with life.

Life was ok, neither good nor bad.

Two years go by, we hardly see each other because of work schedules.

My sister L* knows that I need to get out of there. Come back to the Midwest, live with me and K*, she says.

I start to really take note of every time the boy is a dick, in general and to me.

By February 2011 I made the decision to leave on April 3rd.

He would be at his friends house for the weekend and I would have less than 48 hours to pack all of my stuff and get it into a storage unit and make the first part of the journey to my Dad’s house to stay for a few days with my step mom.

It sucked, I cried.
And now it’s seven months later.

I left out a lot because I’ve done my best to make peace with all the bad shit. I’m focusing on the now, making the present count so that there’s hope for the future. My future (fingers crossed) with Fisher.

Real love, I’m finding out, isn’t crazy or dramatic. It’s warm and fuzzy. Like a little flame in your heart that keeps you warm when it’s cold. Real love is not a four alarm out-of-control, wipes out cities fire.

I am not a storyteller. This blog is just thoughts put into words and  typed on a keyboard. An emotional touchstone that I am happy to share with a few dear friends. I want to not feel like we’re strangers, even though it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other.

 Mount Lemon, Tucson AZ 1999

9 days of Christmas in January.

Pre-Ps. If you could click on an ad once you're done reading, it will bring you lots of good luck and a little bit of extra cash for the holidays.

Why does google randomly make me change my password when I sign in for blogger but never for my google home page? #whitewhine

 So, I haven't written for a while. What's been up in my life?

Getting cold here in the upper mid-west city. Well, yesterday was 50 and rainy, but it did snow and stay below freezing for a few days.  I hate winter. Very cold temps and wind, specifically. Wearing tights under my work clothes. I know I’ll survive, but I’d rather just sleep through winter.

Good lead on an internship. Keep your internet fingers crossed.

Loosing hours at work because the boss keeps adding more days when the office will be closed. The good is that I’ll be able to spend about 10 days with Fisher. I’ll be taking the cats with me and leaving S* with L* and K*. Hopefully K* won’t teach her any more bad habits. Between him and the ex, the dog isn’t as well trained as she used to be. She used to know down, but now when I give her that command after a sit, she just looks at the ground like that’s good enough. She’s getting older, but doesn’t appear to have arthritis that would prevent her from laying down on command. 

We put up a tree and decorated the house. Took a few shots of Bailey’s to get me in the spirit, but I got there. L* is particular about what ornaments go on the tree (her ornaments, her tree), so I did the around the house stuff. Garland and bows on stuff. Looking forward to baking and decorating cookies. Plus, we’ll have our two family traditional foods for Christmas dinner- orange jello with pineapple and shredded carrots plus waldorf salad. Kinda sad our family only has to traditional Christmas foods. Oh, and yeast rolls. Not a family recipe but a family tradition. 

This weekend I need to make muffins to send along with my mom’s and oldest sister’s (D) presents. Cat stuff for my mom and wine for D*.

Everything is going well with Fisher. He calls so say that he thinks about me a lot and wants to know what I’ve been doing. I’m doing good at not freaking out. Occasionally I text or call and leave a voice mail. But if I don’t hear from him, then I don’t get all psycho. 

Two classes next semester and then I graduate. Excited and scared (in a good way). Did really well in my meeting planning class this semester. Happy that I’ll have the professor of my major for a class next semester. She’s pretty awesome and appreciates the experience I have and that it makes the class better. I know that there’s professional stuff I know well, but it’s nice to have it acknowledged by my major professor.

What else? 

Have to take meds to sleep at night. Taking the Celexa because if I don’t, then I have withdrawal symptoms. Interested in not taking it and only taking the clonopin and adderall. Wonder what my psychiatrist would think of that?

In the realm of TMI- I’m off birth control pills and had an IUD put in. No more hormones please and thank you. My body felt so much better when I wasn’t on the pill. No hormones and no babies and a committed relationship. 

Fisher and I have touched on the possibility of having kids. Of course we won’t talk about it for reals until we live together and both have steady jobs. But if we do want to produce a gene counterpart then we’ll have to start sooner rather than later. His age doesn’t matter, but I’m now on the wrong side of 35 and there’s a possibility that early menopause runs in our family.

I’m totally open to adoption, not sure what F*’s feelings are on the matter. He’s an only child and since my dad was an only child and my mom and dad had all girls, it would be kinda cool to have a boy that would be half his family’s genetic material and half mine. Not that mine is all that stellar. 

I began to think differently about my no kids rule, after Fisher and I had Thanksgiving with a few of his friends and their friends. There was the cutest little girl there, 19 months old and we bonded instantly. I entertained her while her mom and dad were finishing cooking, told her about Columbus, genocide of the Native Americans and small pox. Good times.

Then later after dinner, I was playing with her Winnie the Pooh lego set and I see Fisher pushing the little girl around in a box having a good ol’ time. There’s not doubt in my mind that he’d make and awesome dad. And I’ve always thought that I wouldn’t do to bad as a mom. Cloth diapers, not using the word no, you know that whole Montessori school thing. 

Sleeping too much. Should be looking for more internship opportunities. It’s so damn comfortable to spend time in bed with my dog on one side and H*, my snuggle bunny (9 year old) kitten attached to my hip and sleeping under the covers with me. With the last year and a half being the season of human and pet death, I want to spend as time with them as I can. R*, my oldest cat will be 15 this coming spring, H* will be 10 and my dog S* will be 12. And even though R* is doing really well with his insulin shots, no one live forever. Although L* had a cat that lived to 18.

‘Cause what you really want to read about is the age of my pets. 

So, taking cats with me for my 9 days with Fisher. Sadly, leaving dog, who will be well taken care of in the City. 

Two more classes, then graduation. Keeping fingers crossed for internship.

Computer is being really slow when I type. Emptied my trash, which had a crap load of stuff in it. Maybe that will help.

Word hates my grammar usage. It yells because it cares, too bad I don’t listen.

 Ps. Miss home away from home in Texas, miss my friends in West Palm and excited about seeing a very good friend at the end this month and meeting her little boy.

Life in Percentages

1:27 am. Woken by the urge to pee, a slight annoying headache and waking up to some stomach pain. I've had the headache since around 6:30p. Caused I'm assumed by air pressure changes and the storm I was approaching as I drove from Fisher's back to my home base.


At the start of the trip I took half an adderall (7.5 mg) and I as a traveled on my head began to hurt. My neck was pretty sore too. That's what happens when you had 2 herniated discs in your neck and don't go to physical therapy for as long as you should. So, I took the one hydrocodone that I had with me. Unfortunately, that made me feel sleepy and driving at night through some light rain with the window wipers was hypnotic. Took a whole adderall hoping that would wake me up, but I wasn't feeling it. So, what's the next logical thing to do? Take one more.


Normally, I take a half. Any more and my heart races and I feel like I've drank 5 cups off coffee. Adderall helps me concentrate; excessive adderall turns me into a hamster in a wheel. Lots of moving, absolutely nothing accomplished.


Made it home in good time, took a clonopin and all things considered fell asleep pretty quickly.


Cut to 4 hours later and I have stomach pains from the hydrocodone. Really, I should never take one of those ever again. Here's the deal- because I have no gall bladder, the bile that enters my digestive track isn't "normal." So, when I lay down, the abnormal bile backs up into my stomach and if I take a hydrocodone and lay down before my body has fully digested it, it mixes with the no gall bladder bile and causes some severe stomach discomfort.


So, I'm awake and sort of sitting up, eating some yogurt hoping that soon I'll be able to fall asleep like my brain and body really want to do. My dog is laying next to me with her back against my leg, so that's really only the point in favor of being awake 6 hours before I have to be up to go to work.


The visit with Fisher was pretty darn awesome, but also very short. Drove down yesterday at 11am, got there at 3p and drove back to day at 6pm.


I love that he'll listen to what's going on in my life and is sincerely interested. Sure, as soon as I get to his apartment we could head straight to the bedroom, but our attraction to each other is 50% mental, 50% sexual. Having know each other for so long and knowing each so well, we have some pretty great conversations. But the one thing that I value above all is that I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not and I am absolutely 100% myself around him.


Getting sleepy, eyes closing, sleep tugging at my elbow.


Hoping headache over my left eye goes away.


I'm doing my best to appreciate the time I spend with him. Appreciate knowing that he misses me when I'm not there and our plan to finally intertwine our lives into one. Although it remains to be seen if he's just humoring me about having a goat, dog and cat that are all friends. I see them being buddies on an enclosed back porch and the dog and goat playing in the back yard. The dog and cat will cuddle together at the foot of the bed. Or more likely they'll take up 75% of the bed, while Fisher and I eek out a small portion for us.


And he's coming up here next weekend. Wednesday is my birthday, so L* will make my cake and we'll all go out to dinner. Fisher asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said that being able to be with him two weekends in a row was pretty awesome. Years past I've gone to the zoo or an independent petting zoo for my birthday, but I think the city zoo has taken the goats inside now that it's getting cold. Maybe we'll just stay in bed with S* lying at the foot of the bed.


Anyway, I finally told him that what I wanted for my birthday was for him to begin thinking about what he wants to do when we move somewhere together and where that somewhere might be. I've only got 6 weeks left of this semester and then spring semester and then graduation. Time doesn't stop, nor slow down and it'll be May before we know it. May does mean warmer weather and that I'm looking forward to.


For next time- how we spent the weekend and the crazy lake hike we did.

(In Spite of)/(Despite) the Fact

Just got off the phone with Fisher. Talked about my mom and other issues that I've been dealing with. Not knowing when I'll see him next, knowing that the phone will end. Makes me teary-eyed. It's beyond words how I feel about having him in my life. Not knowing when I'll next hear from him, see him, finally share a home with him-- well that sucks.

And I have to make sure I'm not coming off as too needy because he can't up and move to be with me. There has to be a plan in place and right now he doesn't have time or all the pieces to be able to start thinking about the plan. He's terribly stressed because of his job and missing me adds to his depression.

Also, see that ad over there. I'd appreciate it if you clicked it so I could save some money to visit a very dear friend of mine. Every now and again you need the princess treatment- that's what I get when I go there and be the store cat.

Friendship. Acceptance. Love.

Scratching Backs, Helping Out

I've added added ads to my blog. Let me know what you guys think. For me to make any money (say for visiting my awesome friends in warm, far away lands), I need you to click on the ad links. Just viewing my blog, I believe, doesn't do anything.

I'd really appreciate a few clicks here and there. And if you have a blog with ads let me know your blog address in the comments and I'll do the same for you.

Look- that 204 score- that mine! Probably the first time I have gotten over 200 pts in Scrabble.

A Diatribe Like Any Other

I hate having to type this because then I have to look at my worry and wonder if I'm over-worrying. Is it a pointless worry or valid? Should I wait to worry until later like when we live together? Or should I anticipate so that I'm aware and in the moment.

Last relationship, last boyfriend- I/the "relationship" was not his priority. If it was, it ranked below himself, his friends, recreational/activity stuff that he liked to do, shopping for said activities or weird hobbies and, trust me, the list went on.

Sure our work schedules were completely opposite, but it was nothing for him to leave me alone to go visit a friend that lived 4 hours away that with his schedule he could visit every other month. Maybe we would get two days off together a month, but if one of those days overlapped with a trip to his friend's- who was the priority. Not me.

So, now me and Fisher. Fisher is crazy busy and his boss is a workaholic and uses Fisher like a co-dependent wing-nut. That made no sense, but the point is that Fisher is mad busy and hates his job becuase of it. But he's always been mad busy trying to lift up the community theatre like freakin' Atlas. Fisher is human, he's been saying yes to every sad eyed community theatre yokel for the last 25 f'n years. My hope that now that he's on the other side of 45 he'll finally want to change gears and want to have a real, meaningful long-lasting live-together relationship.

If I moved back to College Town to be with him, I would never be above this damn community theatre wanna-be something. His boss has Fisher on a retractable leash. Think you're walking on you're own- nope, let me call you at 10pm at night to let you know that tomorrow at 10pm at night we're having a budget meeting. Who does that sh*t?

He has to move. He mentioned moving up here to Big City, Midwest. F*ck that. I hate it here. Inconsiderate drivers, cost of living, insanely high taxes. I'd rather live beneath or in the hills of a conservative state that may produce less than average high school graduates at a lower than average rate compared to the percentage of graduates in other states. What? Go with it or really just keep reading...

I am a split down the middle Southerner/Yankee. 50/50.

Although, I really prefer areas where the Mason/Dixon line isn't even an issue.

F*ck, I know he's busy, but I could use a boost. Sick all this week. Place to myself makes me miss having my own place to myself. Or at least a place with someone with whom I'm also dating. Can't have roommates.

Is it selfish of me that right now I want to come first. Not all the time, but now after I've had a down trodden weak of ick. He'll call and he'll apologize for being so busy, how he hates his job, misses me. And some how I need to find a way to sooth my impatient soul, need satisfaction now, have no money to do that by buying something on-line. Look! New! Shiny! Distraction! I've already caught up on the little tv I enjoy and watched a 2nd ep of a show I want to like, but is about rich white married people who really have nothing to complain about, but yet are still complaining.

Arg.

My fear is that all this good, peaceful-making feeling is going to drop to the bottom and take me with it. When it comes to emotions, I run luke-warm, with an edge of slightly cold. On my meds, I'm happy. And when I'm really down it's hard to put into action taking my meds even knowing that they will make me feel better.

When I'm low energy and curled up in bed, that last thing I want is to take something that will give me energy to get out of bed. Because before the meds, cuddled up in bed was my only way to feel safe and keep the anxiety at bay.

Cuddled up in bed, the world could be experiencing the apocolypse adn I wouldn't care. In bed, feeling safe, bad stuff, stuff I'm ignoring does not exist.

Today I had a wonderful moment, where my present self reached out to my past self. Mending fences, reaching back 15 years of self and trying to tell my 19 year old self that it did get better, that we will get better. I hope that's what I say to my 36 year old self in another 15 years.

And today I am thankful for the man that Fisher has become. He's pretty darn amazing.

It's a Small World

A shout out to my readers in Germany and Russia. I'd love for you to comment. How did you find me? Where are you in those countries?

Edit to add: People of the US! Thank you. But seriuosly, you're just not as interesting as being read by someone(s) in Germany and Russia. If you're in the States, same questions apply. Go for it-

Cathartic

Here at Fisher's computer. So nice to be in a normal relationship. For example, the ex always kept his computer on lock down. Password protected, logged off if he was away from it for 2 seconds. Unlike how it was this morning with Fisher and he gave no thought to giving me his password so I could go on-line. Dear me, that last one was messed up.

Nice fall day. Brought S* along with me. Fisher is working today from 9a til 7p, so S* and I went for a walk on campus. Perfect fall day. Long sleeves, scarf, sunshine, slight breeze. She had a great time sniffing and peeing on everything. We went on quite the trek from the union, to opera house, to the fountain, to my old dorm, to where Fisher lived when we dated.

Back in the day mid 90s here on campus I was crazy. Walking around today visiting the old haunts was very cathartic. Making peace with the past. Putting out good energy where once there was bad, very bad. Took pictures of S* in some iconic locations. Maybe if the weather is nice again tomorrow, we'll head back out. The dog is sacked out from the day.

We talked about being on the same page of working towards moving somewhere together. Felt good to here him say that. Lacking a whole lot of stability in my life, so knowing that we're working together towards a goal is comforting.

After he left this morning I went back to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up I was feeling down because come Monday morning I head home and I won't know when I'll see him again. Showered, ate, took meds and got out of the house. His apartment is pretty depressing, so that didn't help. He's never home, so the state of its being doesn't really matter. It all feels very temporary, which is good for us, but bad a place to hang out if you're feeling down.

Fisher is so great with S* and understanding. He appreciates how much she mean to me. And maybe we'll agree to add another dog or a goat. L* and I went to an alpaca farm last weekend. They are cute are very soft, but I want a goat. Guess you sort of have to have more than one for company or a dog that's grown up with the goat so that they are best friends. That would be cool.

Fisher mentioned that it maybe as soon as December that he wants to get out of here, the college town. He's been here since 1983 and his current job is killing him. No days off, large amounts of responsibilities that fall on his shoulders, working 18 hour days. When he gets depressed he retreats inward and doesn't want to talk or be around anybody. I think, though, that our relationship is strong enough that he won't push me away. It does seem like our goal of moving somewhere together will happen.

On other fronts, school is school, need to dig in more with one class that I'm moderately blowing off. Work is ok. New skills, more job opportunities.

Today was about making peace with me own worst enemy- my past actions.