Sunday, May 6, 2012

Crumpled, Rumpled and Jumbled

It’s late and my brain is tired. I’m not sure how articulate I’ll be. But the truth of the matter is that my brain is stuck on some stuff and won’t turn off. So, I turn to blogging to purge the unhealthy thoughts. The unhealthy thoughts that I cannot heal with action.

It absolutely irritates me to know end to listen to my mom talk about my dad. Whatever context, it doesn’t matter; I don’t want to hear her talk about him. She hated him until the moment she found out that he was dead. Living with him was used a threat of punishment when I was a child. She said awful things about him. My dad was no angel and never should have been a parent. He did not possess the ability to be empathetic. He didn’t understand the needs of others.

My ADHD came from both parents. My dyslexia came from my dad. Both of my parents were/are impulsive with little thought about preparing for the future. They did what they wanted to do, with little regard to others. My mom did her best as a single mother, but it was expected that my sister’s and I would do our best, so that she didn’t have to worry about discipline.

Reading a book about ADHD and marriage. Parts have of the book have been very helpful in helping to understand my ADHD. Some isn’t relevant, seeing as how I’m not married. The stories of marriages going south because of one person’s ADHD aren’t very encouraging. Although, it is warning sign as to somewhere I never want to be.

The real question seems to be on how to manage my ADHD, much like a diabetic learns to deal with diabetes and an alcoholic learns how to push down the desire to have a drink. There have to be steps to keep my ADHD in check.

Right now though, I’m feeling under whelmed with my ability to hold a job that has real responsibilities. You know the type of job where I managing others and am expected to remember information and not ask a lot of questions to make it seem like I don’t know what I’m doing.

In the short term I don’t retain information well and I’m terrible with numbers. I haven’t yet started making lists. Lists means things to do, and I’ve always failed at getting stuff done in a timely manner.

I want to rise above my status of lackey. My last few jobs- lackey. I have ideas, I’m creative, and I can communicate with people, but the fuck if I can sell my self to someone in order to get the job that will make me happy. And if I get that job the thought of trying to maintain someone’s trust in me is very overwhelming, anxiety inducing.

Last night I read some of the book, felt good and went to sleep. Tonight is way different. Talked to my mom today and yesterday. That’s too much. She’s using me to talk about stuff that you would talk about with a friend. Unloading on me, when I’m not the right person for her to be talking with. But she doesn’t trust anyone, so I take the bullet. The result: anxiety. I can’t be her be all and end all, I need space. She’s cornered the market on passive aggressive guilt trips and it’s taken a mental toll on me.

Wish I could scream out the frustration. Less than 2 weeks from moving. Less than two weeks to hold my tongue when it comes to talking with my sister. Three classes. One moderate assignment due this Wednesday, one small project due for my evening class and a final in the form of an essay for my evening class in a week and a half. And then pack up the car and go.

Light at the tunnel, if you could get a little brighter, that would help.

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