Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Very First One

The time is 2:34am. Perhaps that will show up somewhere else to let you know that. Only slightly important to show that I stay up later than I should. I'm not necessarily a night owl, however past jobs have been this late and I find it hard to turn off my brain and fall asleep.

Should I get the big stuff out of the way first?

Sure. I have a fear of death. An awful phobia that causes me to lose sleep, hurumph, and terrible panic attacks that raise my body temperature. I don't want to not exist. I like existing in the world around me. For better or worse, I'd rather be alive. Blessed with depression and anxiety, I have never seriously contemplated suicide. Wondered in a vague, abstract way, wished for a better life, sure. But end it- No.

A year ago this past March my sisters and I lost our father. Three months prior we lost our last surviving grandparent, my mother's mother. Now I'm down to a parent and two sisters. My grandfathers died when I was young. I have very vague memories of my dad's dad and slightly more substantial ones of my mom's dad. I'm hoping for a long healthy life. Although, how healthy I've been up to this point is debatable. I like to think that I'm getting all my senior ailments out of the way.

Now though, Fear of Death and Lovelorn.

I'm quite awake for the hour, so I'll continue.

Ideally this is all anonymous and for my own musings-- details with out the names.

I'm 35 and unemployed of my own doing. I now live with my sister and her husband along with my two cats, my dog and her very old hound that no doubt won't last through the summer. I'm camping out in a spare room and in few weeks will start taking some online classes. The plan is to get a certificate that goes well with the useless MFA and BA that I already have.

Starting to feel the tired...

I moved from a very warm climate to a much colder, inclement one. I like warm weather. The past 13 or so years I've lived in the southern half of the US. No terrible winters, only one place even had ice and even then not on roads. Wearing Birkenstocks year round is my ideal. However, I don't wear shorts, unless I'm at the beach or bike riding. 80 degress- pants. 95 degrees- pants. Lightweight sure, but pants.

This isn't at all interesting. Is it? I should rejoice in my normality. My blog is like everyone else's. Yay!

Personal life- bleeding heart, wishing for happy ever after, little girl whose parents separated when I was 3 and divorced when I was 5. Separation anxiety issues.

I fell in love for the first time at 19. And for the past 16 years, he's always been in my heart. I have never felt that fierce love for anyone since. Now I realize I was 19, not emotionally stable and he was the first in all ways. You don't forget your first, so I'm told. No regrets, I was in love.

I wasn't stable, though and neither was the relationship. He is ten years older than I. I was 19, an undergrad, living in the dorms and he was working full time and close to 30. This guy, Fisher (name changed), was in love with me or at least enamored to a great existent, but he didn't want to be. Even after talking to him years later, I'm not quite sure why he pushed me away and then sucked me back in. If he was afraid that I would stay in College Town, USA and not live up to my full artistic potential, well I left and still didn't.

His sense of humor pulled me in and caused me to fall in love with him. Amazing actor and director, funny as hell and passionate. Dark and broody, intellectual and just all around cool. F*ck I miss him. And now that I'm six hours away from him and not six states all I want is show up on his doorstep. I hug, a kiss- what that would do to heal old wounds.

So, not good at healing my own.

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