Variations on a Theme

Listening to Neko Case- Middle Cyclone (album)

 The Fisher King, my obsession. He probably pushed me away because I was a little over the top and well, would’ve been the typical crazy ex-girlfriend. Surprisingly I never had the cops called on me. Did some stuff that deserved a good stern talking to by some authority figures. I couldn’t stop myself; it was like a train wreck that couldn’t be stopped.

I get like that when I’m angry. The angry part takes over and I have to do what my mind is set on doing. Most of the time the doing is not healthy or helpful. Right now, I must do this right now. It feels like tunnel vision and I have no alternative. Once the spell is broken, usually by finally reaching the object of my bullet, I feel really stupid by having made such a big deal out of it.

I once asked the Fisher King to drive from College Town, USA to the desert to see me. A three-day car trip in the winter. When he got there I was a complete putz and had to tell him that I didn’t love him. I was so enamored with him finally admitting that he loved me that I ignored the fact that I didn’t have feelings for him. He wanted so much to kiss me and I put him off. There were so many days when we first dating that I wanted him to say that he loved me. He would push me away and I would wait and wait, hoping that he would say it was all a mistake. So, maybe I needed him to drive there and back, but it wrong.

I used him to make me feel better. And all I did was hurt him and I felt lousy.

The relationship I just ended, too soon to talk about. I hope he finds happiness. I hope he finds the girl, the one he’ll actually be in love with and not me, who he settled for.

I think I’m better at being introspective late at night than at dinner time.