Peanut Butter Diaries.

Pretty deadly flowers.

Now I remember why I wanted to get out of the Midwest. Allergies and the migraines they cause. I’m dying up here. Constant air pressure changes, a pollen count that is sky high. Living by the ocean, oh how I miss you. Five years ago I switched from glasses to contacts. The only problem I had was that wearing the weekly contacts didn’t allow my eyes to breathe. So, I switched to the daily wear that I could actually wear for a week at a time. The weekly wear contacts made my eyes so blood shot that the guys at work were asking me where I got my weed. No weed, sorry.

The last month has been awful to my eyes. Had to break down and order a pair of glasses. Oh, the shame of it all. My eyes are so dry and irritated from the pollen that putting in contacts was like using sandpaper on my eyes. Yes, that bad.

Migraines everyday. I know it’s all about choices and I chose to stay home today from classes. But it was hard to fight the migraine that made me sick to my stomach. Excuses, excuses.

On the love front- Just about 2 months until I move. I’ll visit the weekend after next. I hope Fisher has time to look at rental houses. We’ll all be stuffed inside his apartment for a little over a month. Please let that go well or I’ll end up homeless after he kicks me out. Two people, two cats and a dog in a small two-bedroom apartment.

And the top piercing of my industrial is not happy. It will calm down, but as soon as I even barely touch it, it’s way not happy. Arg.

For a very long time I’ve given into my anxiety. Avoiding emotions or criticism. Making my life easy by hiding in bed. It’s very difficult to change my behavior. Not just changing the behavior, but changing the way I think about it.

Drained.

Imperfect present.

Ok, so one episode of Being Human, the UK version. Then sleep. No solitaire? Shouldn't.

Fisher will be here Thursday evening. I really want to call him by his real name, but I can't do that here. One day, when I die my dearest friend will let all know that this is my blog. Only have I'm dead, dear friend.

Wasn't very productive today. Tomorrow I need to get up earlier than usual to take care of a few things before work. I hate having to do that. Hopefully tomorrow at work I can overlap work and internship work.

Getting better at relaxing. Unfortunately with relaxing seems to be a tag-a-long of procrastination. Hoping for a better future and ignoring the imperfect present.

I did that!

You put the Order in the Chaos

Remember: Help me fight the evil bank that charges me $12 a month for not having direct deposit by clicking an ad. All you have to do is click and close the window. Thank you.

Twelve weeks of class left. First substantial test next week in my travel class. I think I’ll do fine.

I’m supposed to carry around a calendar to keep all of the stuff/ to do’s in my life organized. Just not there. Tried. Failed.

So, I have slips of paper stuck in my wallet that list appointments. Notes jotted down inside notebooks. And doing my best to remember when I have to what and when.

In a few days I’ll attempt to do my own industrial ear piercing. I had it done almost 10 years ago, but I had to take out for the medical assisting course. Even though that didn’t last that long, I wasn’t able to put it back in. Then I got a job at a chi-chi hotel and the only facial piercing we could have were pierced ears. I can’t even remember if guys were allowed to have pierced ears.

Regardless, now that my hair is long and covers my ears, I want my industrial back. The original was unique- a double industrial. Double industrial, three nose rings on the same side. That’s what happens when a bleeding heart liberals lives in conservative-ville. I strike out and make myself even more different. I’ll see your brown polo shirts and raise you piercings!

In other news, every since by my dad’s mom died in 2006, I’ve been having reoccurring dreams about one of my cousins and his dad’s farm. Six years later I’m still having them.

After Granny died I sent my cousin a letter saying that I felt sad about the fact that the next and no doubt last time I would see him would be our grandmother’s funeral. Our grandmother passed away in December of 2009. I saw him at the funeral he gave me a hug, but with so many people around and it being our grandmother’s funeral there wasn’t a chance to talk.

I spent a lot of time at my uncle’s farm and idolized my cousin. I was four or five and was absolutely in love with him, in that way that a four or five year can be. The highlight of our time together was when he took me for a ride on his dirt bike. I was such a tomboy, climbing trees, hiking in the woods and playing in streams.

We would play doctor, but it was far from sexual. It was more about who could whom more. There was this wooden bird, like a 70’s style woodpecker and we would see how hard we could hit each other with it on knees, like the reflex hammers.

He had a cousin, not related to me, that I had a great time hanging out. We would hide under the pine trees and just hang out. Once again, nothing sexual.

A few days ago I wrote my cousin another letter that said I’d like to spend some time with him at his dad’s farm. Just us, like forest ninjas. I need to make peace with that time in my life. There was so much going on that I was too young to know about. And there was stuff that I was all too aware about and I would escape the world and create my own in those woods. Imaginary friends, hunting dogs as faithful companions, crossing trees that had fallen over ravines.

I need to go back there and make peace.

The problem is that no one else can know about this journey. It especially can’t get back to my mom. I don’t plan on visiting her on this trip. I want to go to my uncle’s farm and spend some time alone at my grandmother’s grave.

There’s more to story about why my mom can’t know I’m visiting my uncle’s farm, but I’m not feeling like getting into all of that.

Perfect

Damn the corporations

 Thank you to all of you that are clicking on the ads. Damn Chase bank and all others that charge for me lending them my money. We supply them and they take our money with no return. Maybe I should just keep it all in my sock drawer.

So, please, keep clicking. I get charged $12 a month all because my boss doesn’t do direct deposit.

Very sweet present from Fisher for Valentine’s day- two bamboo plants that form a heart. Perfect. Now to not kill it.

Talked through with my therapist about all the panics attacks I’ve been having. I can’t let my boss’s emotional problem be mine. In time she will make a decision to help herself. Right now she is making her choice, just like I chose to stay with the ex after I found out he cheated on me. There was a benefit to staying and I stayed. The benefit was not personal health, but there were benefits.

Getting out of an abusive relationship should be easier. But that decision to leave has to come from within. Inspired by the strength or support of others, we must make decision.

Just like Fisher and smoking. I want him to stop smoking, but he won’t until he decides that he needs to stop. He was sounding positive when I was down there at the new year. I hope he’s still doing well even under the stress of his job.

So, I will be moving back to College Town to be with Fisher. We need to be together to decide where we (together) head next.

Also working on honoring my past, but not living in it. I miss my grandmother a great deal. It kills me that I won’t see her again. My mom’s mom was one the most real people I’ve ever met. Made it through the depression, raised six kids and left an abusive husband. Read books like they were the air she needed to breathe. Funny, but grounded in German up bringing. Frugal, but incredibly generous to others.

I miss her unconditional love. Born again, but accepting of alternate life-styles and me and my sisters living in sin.

She was strong and brave and survived so many hard times. Not materialistic, but she would pick up trinkets and candy dishes at antique stores to give to us. I look forward to getting my belongings out of storage so that I’m surrounded by physical things that remind me of her.

So many fragmented sentences. I am not a writer. A dabbler that enjoys the process of writing and sharing it with others. To have the opportunity to show myself as an individual.

An individual who is thankful for love of family, friends and Fisher.

Om Mani Padme Hum

Pre-Ps. Here's the deal my bank charges me $12 a month because I don't have direct deposit, please help me out and click on the ad. Thank you.

Truth- I am avoiding most of my emotions. This results in panic attacks and me missing one day of work and one class this week. Waking up, I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t get oxygen, by lungs don’t get air. I am suffocating. And the only thing that makes it better is staying in bed. Under the covers, hold up at base camp.

That’s the metaphor for my life right now. I’m at base camp and there’s this mountain I have to climb. No choice, have to climb mountain. Eventually, I’ll be hauled out against my will and a force will command me to march. I wonder if agreeing to climb, to march will make the journey up the mountain any easier. My choice versus no more time to procrastinate. Yes, it will be worse.

Deadlines will pass, late fees will be charged, and I won’t be prepared for challenges. Now I have time. Not as much time as I had a month ago, but I need to start now. Completing sh*t that needs to be done.

My therapist said that every person with ADHD should have a calendar that never leaves their sight. I’ve tried this. The only time it worked in a way was undergrad and I only used it for my theatre work. For schoolwork, I hoped and occasionally prayed that I wouldn’t forget anything.

Here’s the deal with the calendar, first few days are spent putting in all future stuff of which I’m currently aware.  Appointments that have been made, class schedules copied from the syllabus. Maybe within the first week I’ll put in an update. The first time that an event comes and goes that has not been but in the book, all bets are off. Pitch it in the trash, I will not get back on the horse.

Why can’t I recover?

Mental block? Perfection lost? Disappointment in myself that I can’t keep a calendar updated or pick up where I left off.

Lack of wanting to put in the effort. I don’t want to.

I didn’t want to take the speech class that is technically required, so I dropped it because technically I could. I couldn’t play by my rules, so I quit.

It’s not a matter of it being too hard, although that’s sort of why I dropped my Excel class. It is a matter I have no invested personal interest and therefore if I can get away with not doing it then I will.

This behavior caused a riff in my relationship. Instead of Fisher telling me outright that he wanted me to go see the musical he was, he gave me a choice. He asked if I wanted to go.

It was Annie, he had a supporting role, I was involved with theatre for 20 years, I hate sitting in one place for longer than it takes to eat dinner. If I have to watch a show, I’d like to be in the booth away from people and snacking on cookies or main-lining starbursts or better yet peanut m&m’s.

I didn’t go.

He was very disappointed that I did not want to go to the show to support him and show my support for the theatre company that has caused him to sweat blood.

I’m a little jealous of the theatre company he works for. It sucks up all of his time. We don’t get to talk on a regular basis and when we do, it’s when he 3 minutes between rehearsal and a 10 pm finance meeting.

And after graduation in May, I will move to College Town USA to be with him, to put our relationship first and hope to god that he does the same. I don’t want to move to C.T. USA. A month before graduation I was so happy that I would be leaving that state. Middle America is not for me, even bubble of liberalism that was Middle America University. And now I’m going back.

I can’t predict that he will spend less time as the Artistic Director’s whipping boy. And if he does then I’ll ramp up my search for an out of state job (preferably Austin.)

The stress that inhabits my body is my entire body. My shoulders never relax. Not even when I sleep. I’m incapable of taking deep breaths. Falling asleep takes medication. Waking up is a struggle and causes mental pain. I’m constantly subconsciously always stressing about possible and present occurrences that I no control over.

I used to hold onto the stress and anxiety because I thought that if I let it go, then I would float away. Not kidding. I would have nightmares about it. Gravity switched to off, my floating upwards, nothing to grab a hold of and the silo shaped room has a small window on top and I will float out into nothing. These were my nightmares.

The loss of dad and grandmothers, specifically my mom’s mom haunts me. That is now the subject of nightmares. Seeing my Grandma in my dream- “She’s back, she’s here, she’s not dead,” I shout! I turn to tell my family, but when I look back she’s not there, she never was there. I miss her so much and hope with all my heart, even though in my head I know it’s not true, that I will see her again. How can someone disappear from your life, never to be seen again? I have my memories, but they have less substance than fog. I should be comforted by the memories. But the really good ones are from age 7 and under. I don’t remember what her apartment looked like, the first one I remember. She made bread pudding, had two parakeets and we would walk down to the corner 5 and dime. Maybe the toilet had a pull chain or maybe it didn’t, and I’m frustrated that I don’t remember. The parakeets were hung by a window….

If you’ve gotten this far, then you know that I’m stressing about stuff that doesn’t need to be stressed about.

Facts:

My boyfriend (whom I pined over for 16 years) loves me and in a few short (4) months we will live together.

All things considered I have my health, I at least have a support system that would pay for my health if it got bad.

I have two wonderful awesome sisters that are there when I need them. Who will be beside me for the next catastrophe.

I have an amazing dog, who at the age of 11 and a ½ plays like a puppy.

One cat that loves to snuggle, gives nose kisses and will stand on his back legs to give me a hug when I ask.

Another cat that has been with me for the last 14 years making every empty apartment and new city feel like home.

A mom who shows me why it’s important for me to accept the fact that I need to take anti-depressants. I will be not be stigmatized or ignore my depression. My cat needs insulin to feel good, I need my medications.

Even after all that my shoulders are still up to my ears.

I ask of myself, to know the difference between those things that I can change and those that I can’t. For those that I can’t I will let them go and float out the window at the top of the silo. I will stay grounded with the help of my own volition and the love I receive.

Om Mani Padme Hum

An emotional touchstone

Feelings on the inside that need to put on the outside.

Making peace with my dad only to lose him to cancer. I wanted (needed) so much for him to live longer. Three weeks from the discovery of stage four small cell carcinoma to gone. I appreciate that we were given those three weeks to say sorry, to say I love you. However, I will never see my dad again and that pain is beyond words.

Damn the holidays for making apparent that my sisters and I have lost four grandparents and one parent. We’re down to a crazy Mom, whom I love dearly and do no want to lose.

To all my friends who I just recently introduced to this blog, feel no pressure to read it. It’s stuff in my head that needs to be written. I’d write it and put it into the Wailing Wall, but the Internet is more convenient.

There’s frustration growing with in me. Right now it’s manifesting in cleaning. Put shit in order. Organize pantry, drawer full of storage containers, tidy up my tiny bedroom space, work on my bathroom.

But here’s the crux, there’s other stuff that I need to be working on that’s being ignored. Finding an internship. Possibly finding another job to replace the one I have now. Graduating in five months. Time has flown by. I’ve now been in the City for almost seven months.

Some of you have wondered how I got from the east coast by the ocean to the Midwest city I’m in now.

How I got here….

In a car.

Long story shorter-

Dec 2007: Move in with boy. He’s neurotic and narcissistic, but I wanted to be able to return to school, so I ignore his neurosis.

Thought I was in love with him, thought he was in love with me.

Ok for the first few months.

Then I realized we were all wrong for each other.

Actually, I knew this even before we moved in together, but it afforded me the ability to quit my job and return to school.

August 2008: I return to school to study medical assisting. Looking for the complete 180 to what I had been doing.

September 2008: The boy starts acting really odd. Like little lies when lying wasn’t necessary.

October 2008, a few days before Halloween: I find out he had been sleeping with his best friend’s girl friend.

World: Shattered.

Moved my stuff to a friend’s house and stayed there for 3 weeks. Didn’t have the emotional energy to put my stuff in storage and pack up the car to drive north with a dog and three cats.

For many unhealthy reasons, I moved in with him. Went on with life.

Life was ok, neither good nor bad.

Two years go by, we hardly see each other because of work schedules.

My sister L* knows that I need to get out of there. Come back to the Midwest, live with me and K*, she says.

I start to really take note of every time the boy is a dick, in general and to me.

By February 2011 I made the decision to leave on April 3rd.

He would be at his friends house for the weekend and I would have less than 48 hours to pack all of my stuff and get it into a storage unit and make the first part of the journey to my Dad’s house to stay for a few days with my step mom.

It sucked, I cried.
And now it’s seven months later.

I left out a lot because I’ve done my best to make peace with all the bad shit. I’m focusing on the now, making the present count so that there’s hope for the future. My future (fingers crossed) with Fisher.

Real love, I’m finding out, isn’t crazy or dramatic. It’s warm and fuzzy. Like a little flame in your heart that keeps you warm when it’s cold. Real love is not a four alarm out-of-control, wipes out cities fire.

I am not a storyteller. This blog is just thoughts put into words and  typed on a keyboard. An emotional touchstone that I am happy to share with a few dear friends. I want to not feel like we’re strangers, even though it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other.

 Mount Lemon, Tucson AZ 1999

9 days of Christmas in January.

Pre-Ps. If you could click on an ad once you're done reading, it will bring you lots of good luck and a little bit of extra cash for the holidays.

Why does google randomly make me change my password when I sign in for blogger but never for my google home page? #whitewhine

 So, I haven't written for a while. What's been up in my life?

Getting cold here in the upper mid-west city. Well, yesterday was 50 and rainy, but it did snow and stay below freezing for a few days.  I hate winter. Very cold temps and wind, specifically. Wearing tights under my work clothes. I know I’ll survive, but I’d rather just sleep through winter.

Good lead on an internship. Keep your internet fingers crossed.

Loosing hours at work because the boss keeps adding more days when the office will be closed. The good is that I’ll be able to spend about 10 days with Fisher. I’ll be taking the cats with me and leaving S* with L* and K*. Hopefully K* won’t teach her any more bad habits. Between him and the ex, the dog isn’t as well trained as she used to be. She used to know down, but now when I give her that command after a sit, she just looks at the ground like that’s good enough. She’s getting older, but doesn’t appear to have arthritis that would prevent her from laying down on command. 

We put up a tree and decorated the house. Took a few shots of Bailey’s to get me in the spirit, but I got there. L* is particular about what ornaments go on the tree (her ornaments, her tree), so I did the around the house stuff. Garland and bows on stuff. Looking forward to baking and decorating cookies. Plus, we’ll have our two family traditional foods for Christmas dinner- orange jello with pineapple and shredded carrots plus waldorf salad. Kinda sad our family only has to traditional Christmas foods. Oh, and yeast rolls. Not a family recipe but a family tradition. 

This weekend I need to make muffins to send along with my mom’s and oldest sister’s (D) presents. Cat stuff for my mom and wine for D*.

Everything is going well with Fisher. He calls so say that he thinks about me a lot and wants to know what I’ve been doing. I’m doing good at not freaking out. Occasionally I text or call and leave a voice mail. But if I don’t hear from him, then I don’t get all psycho. 

Two classes next semester and then I graduate. Excited and scared (in a good way). Did really well in my meeting planning class this semester. Happy that I’ll have the professor of my major for a class next semester. She’s pretty awesome and appreciates the experience I have and that it makes the class better. I know that there’s professional stuff I know well, but it’s nice to have it acknowledged by my major professor.

What else? 

Have to take meds to sleep at night. Taking the Celexa because if I don’t, then I have withdrawal symptoms. Interested in not taking it and only taking the clonopin and adderall. Wonder what my psychiatrist would think of that?

In the realm of TMI- I’m off birth control pills and had an IUD put in. No more hormones please and thank you. My body felt so much better when I wasn’t on the pill. No hormones and no babies and a committed relationship. 

Fisher and I have touched on the possibility of having kids. Of course we won’t talk about it for reals until we live together and both have steady jobs. But if we do want to produce a gene counterpart then we’ll have to start sooner rather than later. His age doesn’t matter, but I’m now on the wrong side of 35 and there’s a possibility that early menopause runs in our family.

I’m totally open to adoption, not sure what F*’s feelings are on the matter. He’s an only child and since my dad was an only child and my mom and dad had all girls, it would be kinda cool to have a boy that would be half his family’s genetic material and half mine. Not that mine is all that stellar. 

I began to think differently about my no kids rule, after Fisher and I had Thanksgiving with a few of his friends and their friends. There was the cutest little girl there, 19 months old and we bonded instantly. I entertained her while her mom and dad were finishing cooking, told her about Columbus, genocide of the Native Americans and small pox. Good times.

Then later after dinner, I was playing with her Winnie the Pooh lego set and I see Fisher pushing the little girl around in a box having a good ol’ time. There’s not doubt in my mind that he’d make and awesome dad. And I’ve always thought that I wouldn’t do to bad as a mom. Cloth diapers, not using the word no, you know that whole Montessori school thing. 

Sleeping too much. Should be looking for more internship opportunities. It’s so damn comfortable to spend time in bed with my dog on one side and H*, my snuggle bunny (9 year old) kitten attached to my hip and sleeping under the covers with me. With the last year and a half being the season of human and pet death, I want to spend as time with them as I can. R*, my oldest cat will be 15 this coming spring, H* will be 10 and my dog S* will be 12. And even though R* is doing really well with his insulin shots, no one live forever. Although L* had a cat that lived to 18.

‘Cause what you really want to read about is the age of my pets. 

So, taking cats with me for my 9 days with Fisher. Sadly, leaving dog, who will be well taken care of in the City. 

Two more classes, then graduation. Keeping fingers crossed for internship.

Computer is being really slow when I type. Emptied my trash, which had a crap load of stuff in it. Maybe that will help.

Word hates my grammar usage. It yells because it cares, too bad I don’t listen.

 Ps. Miss home away from home in Texas, miss my friends in West Palm and excited about seeing a very good friend at the end this month and meeting her little boy.