It's a Small World

A shout out to my readers in Germany and Russia. I'd love for you to comment. How did you find me? Where are you in those countries?

Edit to add: People of the US! Thank you. But seriuosly, you're just not as interesting as being read by someone(s) in Germany and Russia. If you're in the States, same questions apply. Go for it-

Cathartic

Here at Fisher's computer. So nice to be in a normal relationship. For example, the ex always kept his computer on lock down. Password protected, logged off if he was away from it for 2 seconds. Unlike how it was this morning with Fisher and he gave no thought to giving me his password so I could go on-line. Dear me, that last one was messed up.

Nice fall day. Brought S* along with me. Fisher is working today from 9a til 7p, so S* and I went for a walk on campus. Perfect fall day. Long sleeves, scarf, sunshine, slight breeze. She had a great time sniffing and peeing on everything. We went on quite the trek from the union, to opera house, to the fountain, to my old dorm, to where Fisher lived when we dated.

Back in the day mid 90s here on campus I was crazy. Walking around today visiting the old haunts was very cathartic. Making peace with the past. Putting out good energy where once there was bad, very bad. Took pictures of S* in some iconic locations. Maybe if the weather is nice again tomorrow, we'll head back out. The dog is sacked out from the day.

We talked about being on the same page of working towards moving somewhere together. Felt good to here him say that. Lacking a whole lot of stability in my life, so knowing that we're working together towards a goal is comforting.

After he left this morning I went back to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up I was feeling down because come Monday morning I head home and I won't know when I'll see him again. Showered, ate, took meds and got out of the house. His apartment is pretty depressing, so that didn't help. He's never home, so the state of its being doesn't really matter. It all feels very temporary, which is good for us, but bad a place to hang out if you're feeling down.

Fisher is so great with S* and understanding. He appreciates how much she mean to me. And maybe we'll agree to add another dog or a goat. L* and I went to an alpaca farm last weekend. They are cute are very soft, but I want a goat. Guess you sort of have to have more than one for company or a dog that's grown up with the goat so that they are best friends. That would be cool.

Fisher mentioned that it maybe as soon as December that he wants to get out of here, the college town. He's been here since 1983 and his current job is killing him. No days off, large amounts of responsibilities that fall on his shoulders, working 18 hour days. When he gets depressed he retreats inward and doesn't want to talk or be around anybody. I think, though, that our relationship is strong enough that he won't push me away. It does seem like our goal of moving somewhere together will happen.

On other fronts, school is school, need to dig in more with one class that I'm moderately blowing off. Work is ok. New skills, more job opportunities.

Today was about making peace with me own worst enemy- my past actions.

Accentuate the positive.

There will be times when life sucks. As in the pain you feel will feel endless. All you will want is to go back and make it right. Spend more time, don't hurt, make it right, listen, be in the moment. Regret. You will have thoughts of regret whether or not you've ever told yourself that you have no regrets. When someone you love dies or you realized the life lesson after the barn door is shut and the horse is no where to be found.

Moment by moment, day by day you deal with the pain and do your best to distract yourself from the pain. Pain, hurt, regret will consume you. In an instant. You  have to fight back. In your weakest moment you have to fight back. Don't do it alone- call a friend, see a therapist. But dear god, don't expect the person that you just hurt, don't ask him or her to make it better. Only you can reach inside yourself and start the journey to better.

I'm doing ok. And the rant above is only slightly referential and then from only a third party point of view.

Try, do your best, not to have regrets because if you live to old age, I'm talking late 80s and 90s, all you will have is the past. Have happy times on which to reflect. Dependent on someone to take care of you- fix your meals, get you out of the house, take you to the bathroom- you don't want to have regret sneaking up on you. Your life will suck enough.

This is my only life. I will do my best to appreciate each moment I have. My amazing sisters, the amazingness of finding love with someone who dealt with me at my worst. I pined for 16 years. I should have lived my life for 16 years. I could have not pined, not cried over lost love and still have reconnected with Fisher. We're not back together because I shitted away great moments of my life because I was obsessed with him.

Appreciate all the good- in yourself and others. Do your best to be a better person. To have pure love for another. Plan for the future, but don't write it in blood. Write it in pencil or have some white-out handy.

The Beauty of the Color in My Life.

First off, the store cat has to apologize to the storeowner for forgetting to get in touch. Carried away with bike riding with my sister and picking up produce at a farmer’s market.

This thing between Fisher and I- it’s real. And I’ll do my best to take it one day at a time and never take a phone call, text or anything for granite. Sixteen years of my crazies and him having a hard time with my crazies (understandably) and me moving several times from one end of the country to the other.

I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now, but I am so looking forward to having my own place again. And hopefully one day (sooner rather than later) that place will also be Fisher’s place. But all of those hopes and dreams have to stay in my heart.

More mature, perspective, healthier, medicated. Appreciative that we could still fall in love again after everything. And everything encompasses a lot of ugly stuff. We’ve accentuated the positive, eliminated the negative and not messing with the in between.

I’m bummed that we’re apart right now, but I am so happy that he’s back in my life. Sixteen years ago I fell in love with him. I knew he was my soul mate. Even when I felt nothing when he loved me, he was still my soul mate. Accepting, funny, intelligent.

One time in a place where I am the store cat, MC and I talked about what kind of guy I would need to be with to make me happy. Some one that would challenge me to be a better person, with as much education as me, and someone who saw my quirks as an asset.

Maybe I’ve found that person.

For now, I work, go to school, attempt to hold my shit together and be a good person.

My sister, D*, has decided to end contact with my mom. I don’t blame her and when I’m on my own again, I might do that as well. L* won’t let me do that now, living with her and having her paying for my education kinda makes me her bitch in dealing with our mom.

We’ll visit my mom this weekend. It will be a difficult trip because of my mom’s mental state and she’ll no doubt say bad things about D*. That will be my breaking point. Hopefully, I’ll only be at my mom’s for a day and then drive over to see Fisher.

So many places I’d like to be, places and people that I would like to bring together to have them surround me. Fisher, MC, San Simeon.
MC- you are always in my heart. How can I not think of you when I have so many wonderful reminders that I have the pleasure of seeing everyday? I’ll be back again. Being there feels like home.

A rabbits den.

ADD/ADHD, dyslexia and phonological learning disability.

Welcome to my world.

All that stuff above, I can deal with. I’ve been dealing with it for 35 years. Now I have a center at my disposal that is an advocate for me. It’s like Christmas.

What I can’t handle is the rabbit hole I’ve fallen down in regards to my mom.

I will not go into further detail. I will tell you that it’s all very bad. Our realities over-lap and intertwine for most of us. For others reality exists in another realm, with another set of values. Getting a person back into the “real” reality is a difficult and harrowing experience. I had to let my father go, let him pass. My mom, I’ve been trying to hold onto her and it’s destroying me and my sisters.

Patience and Understanding

Loving and leaving

Amazing weekend spent with Fisher. One word- bunnies. Love the second half of my thirties. Love being with someone who accepts me for everything that I am.

And now I’ll pack my bag and in a few hours head north hoping that it won’t be until thanksgiving that we see each other next.

I want everything right now. No more waiting. Now. It won’t happen like that. Time will be spend apart from each other. Probably some more tears on my part. Some depression for him. The time we do have together is precious, we are completely focused on each other. A million times better than when I fell in love with him 16 years ago.

We drove past a the place where he first made me laugh out loud, a moment a treasure. It was at a lumber store. Crazy, huh? We were building a stump together for his production of a Midsummer Night’s Dream. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I knew.

Kept in my heart, always hoping. Good times and some very hurtful times. Now I will treasure every moment with him and do my best to live in that moment. One day, one hour, one minute at a time.

For Fun

So, I've been finding mandalas to "paint" in Photoshop. Hence the earlier mandala. Using the pencil tool to outline and the paint bucket in larger areas to fill in color.  The one is in process:

How are a friend and an enemy alike?

First off, a victory of sorts- finally diagnosed with ADD. After 36 years of struggling to connect and swim through the knotted string in my head, I have some hope. Dear lord, please have my psychiatrist write out a script to give me a chance to see if meds will help. I don’t have the ability to work thru this on my own. Must needs help.

In other news, heading down to the college town after work sometime this afternoon to spend the weekend with Fisher. Boy, do I need a break from here. Since April I’ve been stuck in the ‘burbs with L*, K* and my pets. Need to get out. Well, L* and I did visit my mom back at the beginning of the summer, but trust me that doesn’t count as getting away.

Office at work is quiet. The boss gets back this coming Thursday. Classes start in 10 days.

I would love to be able to shake off this feeling of the sads, but it doesn’t work that way. I have a deficiency of happy endorphins. Normally, sitting down, chilling out, there’s no feeling of contentment. Do people have that? Feeling good when doing absolutely nothing?

I always got my happiness from other people. Other people specifically being boyfriends.  Being in love.

So, now I have to find a way through several avenues of being content on my own. Medication, therapy, applying emotional tools. Yay, for me.

Eve-o-lution of Emotion

Oh, noes, neither of the two people that know about my blog have looked at it in 5 days. My world! It’s crashing down all around me!

Finally cleaned out the last remnants of moving from my car. Found a journal that contained entries that I wrote to/about Fisher. Thought about rewriting them here. There’s really no point in that.

There was a chance he might drive up here this weekend- not happening. Too busy. I could drive down there next weekend, but his schedule might be to hectic. Fifteen years ago, maybe even four years ago, I would’ve driven down there anyway and shown up on his doorstep. I’m trying to have patience and understanding. Be a grown-up?

He’s really into me and I feel the same about him. And I’ve got a good therapist to keep me in line.

I have no grey hairs, but the hands of a fifty year old. True. Small, bony fingers, lots of creases.

Losing my mom to her mental illness accentuates my grief for my dad and grandmothers. My grandma, especially. She went through so much and still had an endless amount of love to give. She had her moments, but there was always love for my sisters and me.

My world is changing. How I look at my world is changing. What I value, how I love. Evolving.

When I was 19 I knew that Fisher was my soul mate. I am grateful that after 16 years, we are together again, but this time in a much better place. With perspective and experience I realize how much we care about each other.